Dreaming From a Distance.

As she stared idly outside her window, she realised that they weren’t just raindrops and precipitation that were falling from the sky, that they were much more than that.
They were the tears and the pain that had been swelling inside her guts for far too long, the emotions that wanted to unite with the earthiness of the ground.
She felt at ease while the rain poured down outside, it was as if her frustrations were being swept away, as if she could finally release her long-held heartache of being victim to familiarity and the known.
She felt so tired and drained of being where she had always been, she wanted to explore the world, and seek adventures outside of the destinations that she would venture, destinations that were only a few short hours away.
Days ago, she found a ball of emotions bubbling inside her chest, as she saw a photo of Bryant Park in New York City.
She longed to be sitting on a park bench underneath one of their tall and aged trees, absorbed in literature, and the sense of excitement and liveliness that was present in the air of being somewhere unfamiliar.
She had never felt more confined in her life than she did at this moment in time, and she longed that she could one day tear away from this safety net of familiarity, and fly freely without anyone or anything to hold her back.


She just needed to free herself from this chain of comfort - she no longer wanted comfort, she wanted the thrill of being surrounded by a completely different setting.

God.

I am such an awkward turtle when I have to leave voicemail messages on people’s phones.

“Um.. Well, okay.. So yeah.. Okaybai!”

Merr.

The Breeze of New Beginnings.

Though it had been raining earlier this morning (she knew this as she found herself awake watching the raindrops fall down from the sky, and listening to it pitter patter on her roof), as soon she stepped foot outside of the house, the day was joyfully bright. And as she took a few steps towards the front of her home, she felt a breeze that blew across her being, whispering at her soul to awaken and feel the energy of life around her.
And suddenly, life felt like a new beginning, a new chapter in her novel, perhaps even a chapter that may one day, in itself, become the start of its very own novel.
She knew the reasons as to why this felt like a new beginning, but to think that her thoughts could become a reality still frightened her a little.
But this time, she felt more ready than she had ever been, it was just something that she needed to take one baby-step at a time, and nothing bigger.
Her eyes felt puffy, much like it would on nights where she had cried herself to sleep.
But last night, she had not shed a single tear, so it must have been the cause of a broken sleep - a sleep where she would find herself awake every now and then, lost in the web of thoughts, and falling in the pit of emotions.
It was sunny outside, and she could feel the rays of sun shine down on her, giving warmth to her being that was otherwise lost in the coldness of thoughts.

Silent Secrets.

Suddenly, she no longer needed her blanket in the cold of the weather.
She just wanted to toss it out in fits of rage.
She was caught in a heat of anger and frustration.
Tossing and turning in bed, the hot tears started to fall, rolling down the side of her face and burning her cheeks.
Her head was throbbing, and her thoughts pounding.
She knew what this was, she knew very well; it was his way of saying that he didn’t want her, that he had just spent the day with another.
She wasn’t stupid, she could pick up on the finer details and trace the path of what he had done.
His days of silence gave it all away, he kept his lips pursed to ensure that she would not find out, but his silence spoke all; his silence screamed who he had been with - his silence screamed for the name of another.
She just wanted to scream, to verbalise the frustration, to release the agony that was eating at her every hope of being calm and collected.
She had only wanted to know, to hear it from him.
The secrets were tearing her apart, and if this was what he wanted; if it wasn’t her, but the other, that he wanted, then he had only needed to say so.
She didn’t need to be in anyone’s life who didn’t want her in theirs.
He just needed to say it - just say it.


It was 6am, she had been awake for an hour.
Her head was pounding, and while the frustration subsided, the pain began to surge through her body like high-voltage electrical power.


She felt miserable.

The Desire to Know.

She just wanted so badly to understand.
She craved an answer that would make all of these horrible uncertainties disappear.
To be lost left her in frustration, but to not know if she would ever find, or be found, that was what tore her apart.
She could feel pieces of her soul break away from her entirety and her whole, and she could see it disintegrate right before her very eyes.
She just wanted answers for all of the questions that she had lost her thoughts to.


She just needed to know.

Perhaps’ and Maybe’s.

But perhaps this was the way that it was ought to be, she thought.
Perhaps everything was intended to go terribly wrong, so that they could appreciate whatever small rays of sunshine there was that crept through the cracks in their ageing and broken bedroom door.
Maybe there was a bigger plan for them, maybe they were destined to love and fall in love, but were to be torn away from each other, and their hearts ripped to pieces, broken, and never mended.
Perhaps they were not blessed enough to see the end together, perhaps life wanted for them to taste the blood of love, so that they could turn bitter when they no longer were in possession of such beauty.
Maybe life wanted for them to experience the pain, the searing pain that would burn an eternal scar of each others name in their hearts, and ring of a love that would last forever in their ears, and words that would eternally linger on the tips of their tongues.
Perhaps they needed to know true pain, and know this through the most wonderful and beautiful things in life, and later have it be brutally destroyed right before their very eyes.
Maybe they had both become bitter, maybe they no longer understood what Love was, what they had become, or what they would become. 
Perhaps they felt empty, and frustrated and alone, so awfully, and unbearably alone.
Maybe their fate was never to be decided by what they knew or what they wanted, maybe their fate was cast in the vast oceans of life, and could never truly be captured.

Perhaps there was nothing that held more truth than this; perhaps there was nothing there for them, perhaps there was nothing within each other that belonged to one another - other than the traces of a time that once was..

Tears and Crushed Dreams.

As she lay in bed, twirling her fingers around her waist-long hair, she played with all of the possibilities of a change, in her head.
She has been yearning ever so badly for something new.
And it is not just that she desires the excitement of a change, but it is more that she feels that she needs a change; that it is necessary for her withering spirit. 
She has for so long wanted to escape, but now, more so than ever, she desires to move to somewhere she has never been before, somewhere foreign to her, somewhere that she can start life anew, even if it is just for the year.
As she observes herself and her life from an angle that is not from within her, she sees a girl that is dwindling away being in the company of familiarity.
It drives her insane, and nothing has made her feel more like she was wasting away than to be here.
She no longer finds any comfort in the life that she knows, for it has long ago turned sour and rotten, and there is no opportunity in what is no longer alive.
She longs to escape, for she has been feeling much too confined inside these walls, and inside these boundaries..
It has been painful just to reflect on the events that have occurred in the past year.
She dreams that one day she would finally be able to satisfy these wishes, to buy a one-way ticket out of this town, to somewhere far away, and look only forwards, and never back.
She wants to find the inspiration that she has been lacking in her life, and she knows that here is not the place where her hope will alight, her dreams will illuminate, or her life be set aglow…

She let out a long and disappointed sigh, curled further into the depths of her sheets, and looked outside the window, while the tear drops started to make their way down her cheeks, and forever stained her pillow with crushed dreams…